My Blog

I just wanted to say today that this blog is about my journey from where I was to where I want to be - and everywhere in between. Writing here helps to keep me from going too far off the edge when I'm down, and it also stimulates me to do even more when I'm up. It goes both ways. Either way. It's my blog. I'll write when I'm down and when I'm up and when I'm neither. I guess this is more about my mental journey to becoming healthier in my mind to be able to take action to succeed in my goals.

When I'm down, sometimes all I can hope for is to not lose ground. This blog helps me do that. It might not sound like progress to someone else, but not gaining 5 pounds during a bad week is a success to me. I'll even go so far as to say that stopping a gain at 5 pounds is sometimes still a success to me. Old Kristen might have put on 15.

Failure and success...that's what you'll get here...hopefully more success than failure :)

All Better

I feel so much better today, although the nurse said I still have a small fever (3 days of fever now). The doctor gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way.

I was able to eat a lot more today: bowl of cereal, junior bacon cheeseburger only lettuce, half of a turkey avocado sandwich with other veggies, the other half of my turkey avocado sandwich, chocolate milk.

Yesterday I kinda realized that I probably needed to eat more. I think my friend was about to organize an intervention for me if I didn't. She said she thought there was a problem because I was bragging about eating cream of wheat and spaghetti all in one day ("bragging" meaning that I was showing off that I was eating so much, if that makes sense). I started thinking about it, and I realized that those two things really aren't a lot.

Then someone stopped by yesterday and kinda mentioned that I'm losing too much weight. I know that I'm not too thin, but the recent weight loss combined with the fever made me look kinda scary. Today I put my makeup on and did my hair, and I looked and felt a lot better :)

The truth is that I really don't have an appetite, but I'm also afraid of eating just to eat. I know that I'm not nearly as active as I was before, so I need a lot less calories. I think I just need to start planning. With no appetite, nothing looks good, so I pass. I need to just plan it out and eat it regardless.

I really hate tracking calories, so this is gonna be really difficult :(

Setback

I have been nursing a low-grade fever (99.6 - 100.6) with some serious chills since yesterday. I called my doctor this morning and he's going to see me tomorrow. I just had to go to the lab for some blood work today. I was feeling so weak that I had my husband drive me (I still haven't driven since the surgery).

Anyways, I decided to force myself to eat more today - more carbs too. It's still not a lot when I really think about it. Cream of Wheat with toast and then spaghetti with meat. I think that has helped me to feel a lot better, although the chills are back now...time to eat again. This sucks.

I still weighed 132 this morning.

I am so bored...

Seriously, is it possible to die of boredom? I have pretty much cleaned out my DVR. I went for a walk around the park today and then came home for a nap. Then I started a book today (the one Kirsten gave me in May). How will I manage another 5 weeks of this? I'm sore from laying around.

I was feeling hungry last night, so I toasted half a whole wheat english muffin and put some pb on it. Then I drank a glass of milk. Very satisfying.

I weighed 132 this morning. I still weighed 132 at about noon. Maybe I can get below 130 before I go back to work.

In other exciting news, my waist circumference was 27.5 inches this morning, and my new weight changed my BMI to 24.9. This puts me within "normal" range now...no longer "overweight". We'll see how long this holds.

I obviously have nothing much to say today...hmmm...

I'm Not Complainin'

So my weigh-in this morning was low. Really low. 133. We'll see what it says tomorrow.

Progress

So I had some success(?) in the BM area. tmi? sorry... those who have had babies will probably understand.

My weight was down today, and it was down even more this afternoon. Just so you know, I'm not going out of my way to lose weight, but it just seems inevitable right now. I'm really afraid of eating out of boredom in the coming weeks. I'm glad I have you guys to keep me focused. I've been sitting here watching 101 Sexiest Celebrity Bodies and different workout shows. Funny how all that I want to do is workout when I really can't. I did go for a walk around the block today. I figure I can start doing this a few times a day from here on out.

A friend stopped by and said I was looking thin and frail. ick. Hopefully she was just saying that cause she thought I'd like to hear the word thin? idk...

That's all. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Not much to report today

I still have little appetite, and I think this is affecting my digestive progress if you know what I mean. I decided to take a swig of castor oil this morning to see if that would help, but no luck yet. I just sent my husband to get me a good salad. Can't wait. Salad sounds perfect right now.

After things start moving, I'll weigh myself again :)

Just a quick update

I am feeling a little better today. I guess I'll probably see some improvement every day. I'm realizing that I really don't have much of an appetite. Nothing sounds good, so I eat a couple of bites and I'm done. Junk doesn't sound good at all...that's a good thing. Other than that, I'm still just laying here and walking around here and there and drinking lots of water.

That's it. Hope everyone else is doing well.

I'm Alive

I just quickly wanted to say that I'm back home. Yesterday was rough, but I'm feeling much better today (with my meds of course). I felt so bad yesterday that I didn't eat a single morsel of food. Today I've eaten a fruit cup, half an omelet, half an english muffin, and a bowl of cereal. I just don't feel like eating much, plus I don't want anything to disrupt my digestive tract too adversely :)

Ok...maybe I'll write more tomorrow, but it's bedtime for me now. Good night.

As I suspected...

I got assessed tonight at the gym. Well, it's not too bad actually. It just goes to show that the pinch test they do really depends on who's performing it. I had completely different numbers tonight than I did on June 28th...not in a good way. It's ok though. I had suspected that my 8 mm was very low. Tonight it was 14 mm - still down from 24 mm last year. I'll take it. One positive number was my bicep - from 24 mm in June to 19 mm today. I know that this area has greatly improved since the last measurement.

Another positive number that doesn't lie is my weight. I weighed 141 tonight - this is fully clothed in the evening time. It was 149 the last time. He also said that it's 4 lbs heavier than the scale downstairs. Maybe gravity? So...137 or 141? I'll take either. Plus, it's 8 lbs less than the last weigh-in with the same scale. I know that my last weigh-in was pre-TOM and right after a binge, so...at least I know that the 149 was just crazy now. I know that I haven't lost 8 lbs, but it's still a nice feeling to see 141.

Overall, it came out to 22.6% BF. Still in the "good" range. There is only 1 higher category: Excellent. I'm very optimistic that I'll be hitting the higher end of good soon. Hopefully my surgery doesn't mess me up too much.

Speaking of surgery, it's tomorrow morning. I actually have to be there at 5:30 am. Pure insanity. I don't even usually get up until after 6 or 7. I guess I'll be getting up at around 4. Ick.

Well, I'm off to get me some protein. I'm sure I'll be back here in a few days. Lata...

NO Rolls

I was looking through our vacation photos and realized that I did not see a single fat picture of me. There always seems to be some photos that I want to delete, but not this time. Sure I would like to be thinner in some, but the fact is I look exactly like I picture myself. My arms are getting more toned like I set out for after seeing that pic from DEMF. The best part is that I didn't see a single belly roll in any picture.

Mentally...I can tell from the pics that I still feel self-conscious about my body. There is one that I'm sitting on a couch and I held a pillow in front of me. There really was no need to do this anymore. I put the kids in front of me in other pics. However, even in the pics that I didn't realize were being taken...no rolls. Sweet.

I'm so motivated right now to really hone in and get rid of more belly fat to expose some of the muscle underneath. I'm already seeing the lines returning. One thing that I watch is the size of my navel. Yes, I can't wait to have a small belly button.

I really want to get up to the gym today to get my body fat percentage assessed. Tomorrow is surgery day, so I don't know when the next possible time would be.

Anyways...here are some pics from vaca...

No Gym??? No Problem!!!

So much to say really. I just got back from vacation, and I want to talk about so much. I'll try to be as organized as possible (for me).

My eating was pretty good for being on vacation. I had one semi-major slip-up, a couple not so great choices, but several good choices too. As far as exercise goes, I think I did quite well. I didn't have access to a gym, so I improvised.

• Day 1 - Ludington: swimming and sprints on the beach of Lake Michigan, lots of walking.
• Day 2 - Sleeping Bear Dunes: miles of walking trails, climbed up and down the dunes (quite a workout).
• Day 3 - Old Mission Point (Traverse City): miles of walking trails, climbing rocks.
• Day 4 - Tahquamenon Falls: miles of walking trails, walking the sandbars of Whitefish Bay (Lake Huron I think), lots of steps, swimming in hotel pool.
• Day 5 - Pictured Rocks (Lake Superior) & more waterfalls: miles of hiking trails, lots of steps.
• Day 6 - St. Ignace & Mackinaw City: Not too much exercise to report here. Just normal walking.

Before I left, I had a nice weigh-in of 137. That was only one day though. I would say that I was averaging about 140 before that. I weighed 139 when I got home last night and 138 this morning. I expect that number to go down now that I've returned to normal eating too.

I really stayed on track nicely the first couple of days. We had a cabin with a kitchen, so I was the one that was choosing the meals for everyone. Once we started travelling more and eating at restaurants, it got a little bad. Not awful, but not great. I was kind of justifying it because of all the physical activity. One thing that really kept me from completely caving in was this question I kept asking myself: Will it be worth it once I've returned home? The answer was almost always "no" of course.

What I really wanted to talk about today is the physical activity. It was a lot of stuff considering we had 4 kids with us (ages 4 - 9). What troopers...miles and miles of hiking at a time. There really was very little complaining...considering.

I'm so happy that I had the desire to be very active on this trip. In years past, I just wanted to sit around and relax. Relaxing is nice, but this year I wanted to move move move. I'm also happy that I had no trouble with the activity. All of my hard work over the past year really prepared me for it. I remember getting winded climbing up some stairs on our vacation last year. I told my younger brother and sister then that I would be flying up them by our next vacation. We didn't have the same stairs this year, but I ran up many flights of stairs when visiting all of the waterfalls this week with little or no difficulty.

I'm very happy to report that I wore less clothes this year than in years past...tank tops, sundresses, swimsuit... This definitely made vacation more fun and easier for me to want to be active. I went swimming on the beach and in the hotel pool...with OTHER people there. I wasn't embarrassed in the least bit. I know that I would ultimately like to lose another 20 pounds, but I still think I looked fine or maybe even good...which is fine with me.

Above everything else, I think I was fun this year. I wanted to get out and do things and not just sit around. What a great time. We got to see and do so much. Michigan really has so many beautiful things to see if you've never been here. We never get sick of it.

One last thing to note. I have bruises. They feel like little badges of honor...evidence of an active vacation.

Emergence

I pretty much got everything done that needed to be done at work this week. This is a great great great great feeling as this has been a major source of stress for me. I can now go on vacation (and leave of absence) feeling good.

This whole past week has been pretty much positive. I was organized and focused and got lots of sleep. Sleep helps me to be organized and being organized forces me to go to sleep at a decent hour. Funny how that works :)

My eating was completely under control. Unfortunately I'd gained all of my July weight back last week (and then some). This week I rarely cheated, and I started a new exercise schedule. I was finally rewarded yesterday morning with a weigh-in of 137 (where I was at the end of July).
I'll be hanging out at the beach this week, so the thought of my new swimsuit definitely helped to keep me on track. I tried it on last night and showed it to my husband for the first time. He got a random smile on his face (one that didn't seem forced). It's hard to know sometimes, but I think it was a smile of good thoughts...like how cool to have a normal wife that he doesn't mind taking to the beach. I don't know. I might be reading way into that look.

I need more goal clothes. My best pair of jeans (sz 8) look great on me.

***note***

Ok. I started this post yesterday, but never got around to finishing it. Now I've read Rob's blog and thought there's no way he's talking about me. So I went to look and sure enough I hadn't posted since the 8th...4 days ago? I guess that is a long time for me. Just know that I'm feeling a lot better and am ready to be back...except I'll be away for some of this week. Well, when I get back, I'll be back. Lata...

Good choices today

Well, the first good choice was not mine. I had my usual breakfast bar, but I decided to go grab an omelet from across the street. This was around 10:30, so it would have been my lunch too. They were done serving breakfast by the time I got there, so I just headed back to my desk and ate the snacks that I brought from home. I then got super busy and didn't get a chance to eat lunch until almost 2:00...lean cuisine. I made myself a couple of eggs when I got home from work. Love eggs. Then I went to the gym and went 40 minutes on the treadmill. 1 mile running/jogging + 10 sets of HIIT @ 8 mph. Last couple of sets were tough. It's been about 10 days since I've last run...plus I've got womanly fatigue stuff going on :)

I didn't really have any time for weights, because I had to get home to take care of other stuff (kids' dinner, showers, bedtime). I was getting my clothes ready for tomorrow when I saw my lonely Bowflex. I started thinking about how my workout from Monday was pretty much useless if I didn't keep it up, so I got on there and did a full workout. I wasn't sore at all after Monday, so I knew I was too easy on myself. I bumped it up a few notches, and I'm already sore now. I am kinda hoping that I'm really sore tomorrow.

Of course this was all after I tried on my swimsuit that I'll be sporting next week. I have been very good with my eating lately. Every time I want to give in, I try to think about that swimsuit. It really helps. I think that part of the problem for my plateau (if you want to call it that) is that I can already fit into all of my clothes. I need some goal clothes. Maybe I should go to the consignment shop down the street and get some things.

Ok. On to So You Think You Can Dance ... and then bed.

~~~ Good Night ~~~

Overwhelming Stress

Ok. I'm still completely stressed out right now. I have so much work to do over the next 4 days, and then I'll pretty much be out for the next 6 weeks. I hope I don't have to do any work on my vacation :(

Anyways, I was so torn today about working out. I laid everything out before work this morning, so that I could just quickly change and then head to the gym. I got home and made dinner. Then I decided to not go to the gym. I wanted to just sit here and do nothing. Then I decided to use my bowflex and treadmill here at the house. Then I realized that the treadmill is out in the garage right now where it's about oh...150 degrees or something. So, then I decide to go to the gym. Then I got completely freaked out about the strength training. I had no plan, so I jumped on the internet to try to figure something out. Then I decide that I'm just too scared to do this by myself. In the end, I stayed home and used the bowflex but no treadmill. I'm not unhappy with this decision. I did a full body workout. I am going to try to go to the gym tomorrow for cardio.

I think my eating was good today. SB breakfast bar, apple, plum, orange, lean cuisine, 100 cal snack pack, shrimp, and yogurt smoothie with whey protein.

Yesterday I went swimsuit shopping (the one from this weekend was borrowed). It really sucks trying to find something at this time of year that is actually wearable. I finally found one that was ok. I really hate the mirrors in the fitting rooms. They make my back look bigger than I want :) This only reinforces my desire to get jumping on a good strength training schedule of course. This also played a big part in my good eating today. We're going to be at the lake next week, and I want to look decent...unlike how I feel today (still trying to work off the effects of this weekend's poor choices).

Swimsuit shopping is great motivation. I should do this more often.

It's before 10, and I think I'm ready to go to bed.

~~~Good night~~~

Good Article

I found this article to be pretty solid. It discusses the faulty thinking typically associated with weightloss. It's almost as if they were talking about the old me.

I'm not even going to pretend that my eating this weekend was good. The good news is that I did at least attempt to stick to some portion control. I could have made better choices though.

Other interesting news: I wore a swimsuit out in public for pretty much the first time in my adult life. Public meaning with my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...). This is a big step for me for a couple of reasons. The obvious one is the weight issue. I think I've always had unrealistic view of how I should look like in a swimsuit. I've now decided that I've been too hard on myself (even in my thinner years). The less obvious one is the modesty issue. Most of you know that I've recently emerged from a very restricted lifestyle. It was a big deal for me to even wear jeans or capris, so wearing a swimsuit is a pretty big deal.

I am not going to say that I looked hot by any means, but I do think that I looked acceptable. I am somewhat fine with this...for now. I felt so comfortable. Ahhh. In the past, I'd wear a long skirt and a t-shirt over a swimsuit. It felt so good to be normal and to not feel disgusting while being normal.

I had my sister take a picture of me for inspiration or motivation, but I think it's going to be more motivational. It's funny how I can't just look at it and say, "Wow, look how far you've come." I only think, "Wow, look how far you have to go." This sucks of course, but I did mess with it in a photo editor to see what it would like like with a 10% decrease :) Much better and way more acceptable. So, I think I might have just come up with a real piece of motivation that I've been missing. Now, I'm not sure if my logic is flawed, but I was thinking that if I wanted to lose 10% of that picture, maybe I could lose 10% of my body weight (around 14 lbs). Maybe 10% decrease in body fat would work too. I think this would come out to just about 2%. Maybe the 14 lbs and 2% body fat will both happen together?

Either way, I need to get back to the gym. I think a week away from there was just what I needed though. I'm ready to get back now. I'm also ready to go back with a different focus. I will not be taking any classes, but I think I'm ready to brave "the other side" by myself. This would be the strength training section. Start small. I would also be doing some cardio still, but I'm looking for a more balanced workout. Maybe a quick cardio warmup, then some weights, and then finish with some HIIT. Just typing about it is motivating me.

btw...even though the swimsuit picture isn't awful, I don't think I'm quite ready to post it here.

A little better today

Another super busy day for me here. I worked all day at the office, and then I came home and worked until after 11 again. I have several very large projects that need to be wrapped up before my vacation the week after next. After my vacation, I'll have one day in the office before I have my surgery. Then I'll be on medical leave for about a month.

I'm still fairly new to this position, but I think I broke through a wall this week. You know those moments when everything just makes more sense and confidence is strong? There are still so many things that I can learn, but I know that I have already made great progress these past few months.

So back to fitness & nutrition talk...

I cannot express how excited I am to see so many new (and old) faces around here. It's like new breath has been breathed into FAT. So much excitement. I feel bad that I've been out of it this week. I know that I sounded down in the dumps yesterday, but I really do know that it's just one day in the life of... Nothing to worry about really. I guess what I was trying to say that the one day seemed to be a downward spiral... never did I think it was the rest of my life. Thanks for cheering me on though :)

I still wasn't 100% today. Breakfast bar, Grilled Chicken Caesar sandwich w/small amt of fries, English Muffin w/butter, & Latte. No gym still. Here's my quick laundry list of excuses:

• TOM - my boobs are killing me (sometimes I really dislike being a girl)
• Stress
• Too little sleep
• More stress

So, now it's after 12:30 AGAIN. I still have to clean my house before I go to bed. Thank God it's almost the weekend.

The Downward Spiral

Yesterday I felt good for the most part. I felt sure of my mental state. I felt on top of things.

Today is a whole different story. It's been 6 days since I've been to the gym or gone running. I've been snacking for the majority of those 6 days. Nothing horrid, but too much. Today I completely blew it by eating my entire order of Pad Thai. I rarely finish an entire order of anything anymore. This then made me feel disgustingly full and sluggish...enough to make me skip another workout tonight (although I was trying to blame it on too much work). Then...as if that all weren't bad enough...I decided to make tonight the night for a ham & cheese calzone. I even drank a cup of Squirt with it. I never drink pop (soda) anymore! It's funny how it really only takes one day to send me spiraling out of control. I'm sitting here feeling so disgusting with my stomach so distended.

Don't worry. This is only a very temporary setback. Back on track tomorrow. I PROMISE. I don't like this feeling AT ALL. This is what makes me realize yet again how much easier it is to just eat right. I feel better and I make better choices. Bad choices usually lead to more bad choices. Inertia.

Btw... I'm not sure, but I think David wants to join FAT. I know a lot of you have already said hello, but please do so if you haven't done so already. He's got a good plan that he's already implemented, and he's already made great progess in a short amount of time.

Don't yell at me today. I know already. I said that I'm back on track tomorrow, but I'm modifying that to NOW. Ok. You can yell at me if you want. What can I say? I'm a comment whore. Just kidding :)