A few things.

Ripx, thanks for checking up on me. I was actually going to blog today anyways :)

First the update: I'm doing well. I didn't want to say anything prematurely, but...I've been back to the gym for over 3 weeks now. It's amazing how quickly the body can get back into it. We joined a different gym, and we love it. It's way cheaper. Less frills, but it certainly has everything we need. In fact, it makes it much simpler to just go and work out.

School and work are also going well. I haven't missed a deadline yet, and I'm going to be caught up for my much needed vacation next week.

Now, a rant: We went to Cedar Point on Saturday, and I was in shock over the state of our youth. They aren't just fat. Their shapes are literally not natural. The girls did not have figures. Big guts and fatty backs w/narrow hips. The only answer I can come up with is that it must be due to processed food and lack of activity. When I was growing up, there were fat kids, but the fat kids were just bigger than us. Same shapes for the most part...just bigger. This is no longer the case. I don't know how else to describe what I'm talking about. They might even weigh the same as I do, but I'm proportionate. They so aren't. Anyways... one interesting thing was that many of the moms actually looked pretty great. I felt that the average 30 something looked much better than the average 17 yr old.

As disgusting as that scenario was, it has prompted me to refocus on my diet...and my family's diet. I went to the fruit market yesterday and bought a grocery cart full of fruits and vegetables. The kids are LOVING it. Good stuff.

Rant #2: Has anyone seen the commercial with the athletes promoting chicken for breakfast? McDonalds fried chicken sandwiches on a fattening biscuits. Appalling commercial. I can't get over it.

Not quite a comeback...yet...

I really feel that I reached my breaking point yesterday. It wasn't an earth shattering moment or anything. I just kind of woke up and yearned for that feeling of control. I am not happy when I feel that I cannot control what I'm putting into my mouth. I honestly derive no joy from stuffing my face and waking up feeling full. It's an awful, disgusting feeling.

I do, however, love the feeling of not eating the full serving because I'm no longer hungry. I enjoy feeling that I'm in charge of me. Back to moderation.

School is going well, and I'm finding my rhythm. I will do well in this for sure.

I'm pretty sure that work will die down just a little after this week. I'm finally realizing that it's ok to recognize my limitations in this area. There is only so much time in a week. I will meet all my deadlines, but only if I say no to people sometimes...or give them the choice of what they'd rather have done. Do you want your proposal written or do you want me to create that unnecessary flowchart....your choice :) Yeah...that's what I thought.

I am fairly confident that I will return to the gym next weekend. Maybe before. I just know that I can't take on that commitment until after the end of this week. Too many deadlines looming.

Someone thought that I sounded a little down in my last blog. I'm not really. I'm just drifting to that place in my mind that shields me from life's pressures. It's a happy place. A place of denial. No big deal.

It's good to see a lot of you guys doing really well. Good to see some of the others coming back around. We can do this. We never thought we could do it in the first place, but we did. We can do it again. I don't want to have to do it all over again though. That's why we're stopping it now, right? We must take control.

Here's the Deal

I can't even really begin to talk about weight loss right now. I'll be honest. I haven't lost any weight, and I'm positive that I've gained some. How much? Not a clue. I do know that I'm still within my acceptable range. This is just not top priority to me at this minute.

Just an update...I started school last week, and I'm really busy. I'm still swamped with my work too. Tons of deadlines approaching. It's a good thing I work better under pressure...in a way. I produce better stuff when I'm completely swamped, but I do let the pressure get to me some. I don't know if it's good or bad that I let it consume me. I'm incredibly focused...but I feel bad for all of the other things that I put on the backburner. It would be nice to find some kind of balance.

Yeah, I need to get back on track. I will. I know I will.

Not exactly weight loss related...

I haven't weighed myself all week. I usually wait for a few good clean days, and those just haven't happened this week. It hasn't been all out bad, but it's approached that a couple of times. I'll be back to it next week.

I think I'm just soooooo incredibly stressed out with my work right now. It's actually kind of a mixed bag. I love my job. I really do. I was made for this job. I've been in this position for over a year, and I've done an excellent job during most of it; however, I'm really finding my groove right now...my creative groove. You know how you just sometimes have those breakthroughs...

Well, I feel that I had another breakthrough about a month ago. Of course, with those breakthroughs comes more self-accountability. I have never been one to be able to submit less than stellar work, but now my work just seems perfected. Of course, I'll probably look back in a year from now and scoff at the stuff I'm putting together now.

Anyways, the best part of all this is that my company is restructuring, and for once, it's actually creating more opportunities for me. Very recently some of my work was noticed by some important decision makers, so things are looking really good right now. In fact, my former (& future) senior management guy had his admin schedule a meeting with me earlier this week to "discuss career stuff". Pretty awesome conversation about where I've been and where I'm going. I told him I was going back to school soon, so it looks like I'll actually have to follow through now. I think I'll go back officially in January. In the meantime, I plan on studying for my Certified Treasury Professional (CTP) exam, that I'll take in December.

So many things are changing right now. My husband's job will be sent offshore to India by the end of the year, so he's focusing on his home inspection business, which is just taking off so rapidly now. He's been doing this as a second job for over 4 years. He's professionally trained, but he's really focusing on the marketing part of it now. It's kind of funny how this is all working out...recently, he was at the right place at the right time...and he was able to form a relationship with a seriously awesome referral source.

He was planning on leaving the bank next spring, but now he gets to be done before year-end...and he'll get about 5 months of severance pay. So, now we're just saving up for a life of self-employment.

Ok. Back to me and my job. I have so many deadlines looming right now - everything is due around the same time...and I know there are more things in the pipeline that I haven't even seen yet. Oh, the stress is killing me...but I guess I love it at the same time. I'm just tired of working till all hours of the night. I just don't see how I can get it all done any other way though.

That's all. Thank God it's the weekend. I plan on doing no work...or very little work.

2 lbs

I can't believe how well my method seems to be working for me. It's the same every week: I eat pretty much whatever I want on the weekends, although I do try to somewhat control the portion sizes. Throughout the week, I control my eating. I weigh myself on Wednesday, and I am usually at the weight I was the prior Saturday. On Thursday, I'm down 1 - 2 lbs. Friday and Saturday solidify the loss to 2 - 3 lbs. Repeat.

Ok, maybe these aren't exact figures, but they are pretty close. Today I weighed 121 before work and 120 after. I am pretty sure I'll be a solid 120 by Saturday. I don't plan on screwing it up at all tomorrow.

2 lbs a week at my height is very respectable. 2 lbs a week is about 8 - 10 lbs a month. 10 lbs is about 1 dress size for me.

So far I'm down 5 lbs from last Wednesday. I was somewhat coming off of a bad eating phase, but I'd been good for at least 2 - 3 days when I weighed the 125. So I think I should be able to count all 5 lbs toward the challenge. 6 lbs to go.

I'm going back to the gym when I hit 115. At that weight, I should be able to see some rapid changes in my body composition...not as much fat for the muscle to hide under :)

So many things...random things...

Weight
I felt pretty good this morning, so I decided to weigh myself: 122 lbs... and I still weighed 122 after work today. It would be pretty sweet to see 121 by this weekend.

Eating/Binging
It seems like I've been taking 3 steps forward, 1 step back for the past few months. This is actually working well for me. It's good to mix things up sometimes. Ok...I'm not going to suggest that binge eating is good at all, but I've noticed that after I've had a bad week, I seem to be able to get back to business and push myself to the next level. That few pound gain isn't so bad compared to the amount that I end up losing after.

I think I'm trying to say that it's possible that I'm learning how to deal with overeating. In the past, I'd overeat, and then binge for the next couple weeks or months. Now I know that I've worked WAY too hard to go back to where I was. I'm very aware of my limits now. It's as if I have something in my head that says that it's time to stop and get back to business.

Ok, now I'm wondering where that something was before or why was I too weak to listen to it. There was a time when I felt so hopeless about so many things. My obesity was just one of them. It's interesting to me that all of that started changing around the same time. It's possible that I was only able to lose the weight once I started taking control of my life. Of course, maybe the weight loss gave me the confidence to fix the other things. My opinion is that the weight gain was a symptom of the other problems.

Layla really got me thinking about this yesterday. She said something like...if binging is more mental than physical, then maybe restricting calories isn't treating the problem at all. Ok...here's exactly what she said: "Maybe its because i've identified the wrong ailment and i've been applying the wrong method. the condition of being overweight is a product of 'binge behaviour'. If dieting exacerbates 'binge behaviour' than it cannot be the solution to the problem. I don't have an answer just yet but Im keen to seek it out. I believe that's the key to free me from my own prison."

What a thought provoking blog, Layla. I can't get it out of my head.

Realizations
I have come to think that 133 lbs is the high amount that I ever want to be, 123 lbs is the high end of thin for me, and I'm expecting to find out that 113 lbs is my ideal weight. Of course, these numbers could change as I put on more muscle.

Another thought that came to me yesterday was that I've never really mentally claimed the 120's yet. I was in the 130's for so long that it's been hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm actually in the 120's - and the low 120's at that. I keep expecting to pop back into the 130's, but I've been here for a couple of months now, so that's it. I'm 120 something.

Size update
I've only bought 2 pairs of size 6 pants so far, so I've still been wearing my 8's a lot. The 8's I had on today were looking kinda sloppy, so it looks like I'll have to retire them soon. I also have a size 10 pair that I've been wearing occassionally. I put them on a couple of weeks ago and had to take them right off. They looked terrible. I plan on buying more 6's this week.

Comment
Today, a thin coworker told me I was teeny. It's funny...sometimes I look in the mirror and see the same thing, but other times I see a big blob.

New FAT Member
Again...don't forget to go wish Susie luck if you haven't already done so.

Update

So basically, things haven't changed too much since my last post. I've averaged 123 for a few weeks now; however, I did have a bad week where I was eating eating eating, which brought me up to who knows what. I finally weighed myself last Thursday, after I'd been back on track for a few days. The damage wasn't horrible. 125. I had braced myself for 133.

Last week, Billy challenged all of us to lose 11 lbs in 11 weeks. I'm in. I don't know if I'll get to 11 lbs, but it's something to aim for. I'll pretty much be ecstatic if I get under 120. I normally only weigh myself Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, and I was down to 123 on Saturday. Hopefully I'll see 122 or 121 sometime this week.

Please go say hi to this newbie and wish her luck. This is so exciting...I feel like FAT is making a comeback!