So...

Let's see... I went to boot camp last night, and I was so happy to hear that we were doing cardio. Here's what we did:

3 sets of 3 minutes fast, 1 minute slow (all on the treadmill)
3 sets of lunges up 2 sets of stairs, run back down

We did all that 3 times and then did 120 crunches (various)

It felt so good to get running again. Ok, it was more like jogging. The trainer wanted to keep our heart rates in Zone 3 for most of the workout (HR around 175 for me). Still felt good.

Then the trainer showed us the wall that had her story on it. She used to be known as the fat trainer. She's not fat at all now...very muscular (in a girl way still). It's always exciting for me to hear about the trainers that have also transformed their bodies. I feel like they can actually relate to us so much better with this insight.

My eating has been very good I'd say, although I did have a brownie this morning at work. Then my friend took me to lunch. I had this wonderful entree called dragon eggs: chicken breast stuffed with gorgonzola...with hot sauce on the outside...sitting on top of a caesar salad. So tasty that it's making my mouth water just typing about it. I'm glad I forgot the box in her vehicle.

I met some of my old friends at a pub tonight, and I was so good. I didn't order anything to eat or drink. Then I got home and ate a couple of baked corn tortillas dipped in hummus. Good stuff.

Thanks for all your supportive comments yesterday. I was really feeling down about myself and lacking motivation. I haven't binged like that in a very long time, and I know how quickly that type of behavior can get out of control. I'm not exaggerating this at all when I say that you guys are what keeps me in check. Yes, I have other friends that I can turn to, but you guys are right there for me every day. I look to you for inspiration, and you never let me down...through your words and your actions.

I know that in the past my binge would have gone on for at least a week and then a month. Now I have it for a day or 3 and then move on. Working out is the other thing that turns it all around. It's funny how you can walk into a gym feeling fat and disgusting, but walk out feeling sleek. That's how I feel anyways :) This makes me more conscious of what I'm putting into my mouth.

Ok. That's all for tonight. Time for TBL.

It's me again - the Fatty Fat Binging Binger

It is what it is. I'm not going to say that today is a new day and all that. I don't know what got into me, but I think I should have just allowed myself to eat something horrid this weekend. Instead, I picked at things all weekend (which added up to who knows what). When it was all said and done, I still ate pizza last night anyways. Sometimes you just need pizza.

The binge didn't make me fat, but I'm stopping before it gets to that point. I'm not going to go on a strict diet. I haven't been normal since the first week or so after my surgery. I have bootcamp tonight, but I need to get back to running too. I need to aim for 5 days a week at the gym.

As far as eating goes, I'm going back to the beginning of it all when I just made small changes and all that. Going back to read my first blog posts. Cutting back on the carbs. Making better choices. Eating 100% will not do it for me. I will go crazy and binge. What worked before should work again.

This is not meant to be a whiny blog. I just suck lately, and I'm trying to find my way back.

Honestly, I think my binge was supposed to get me to the point where I was sick of eating. It's not right, but it works sometimes. Today has been much better already.

The real problem is complacency. I'm not fat. I'm not thin. I'm just good enough to not freak out when I take a step backwards. I allow myself a cushion of what I think is an "acceptable" weight for me...so I seem to be sliding around in that range.

Ok. Back to business.

Silly Girl

Ok. Confession time. I know that there are a lot of haters of The Biggest Loser here, but I must admit that I cried more than once during last night's episode. I'm not sure why last night was different, but I was inspired and moved when the trainers were pushing the contestants harder than ever. Yeah, tears were running down my face when Jillian (sp?) made that girl go 12 mph on the treadmill for 5 seconds. The girl told Jillian that she was crazy, but guess what...she went 12 mph. Now I know that she didn't go a full minute or anything, but this girl did not believe that it was physically possible to go 12 mph period. How many of us have been in that place? How many of us are now doing things now that we never thought possible? I'm thinking that most of us hold back and never realize our full potential, because we simply don't believe. I say let's crank up those treadmills during HIIT to test ourselves. Put it on an ungodly speed...just to see.

The other tearful moment was when they were passing out their goal t-shirts. It was cheesy, but listening to the girl that just wanted to shop in normal stores again reminded me of myself a year ago. Then there was the guy whose shirt said he wanted to be half the man so that he could be twice the man (do the family stuff that he can't really do right now). I know I didn't want to do anything when I was fat. Now I look back on my vacation from this summer and remember all the stuff we did - that I enjoyed and wanted to do. I am a completely different person now than I was last year. Some of us have already reached most of our goals, so it may be time to set some new ones that don't have numbers attached to them. I haven't thought of one for me yet.

I do think that those of us here have more to be proud of since we did it all on our own, but I'm certainly wishing all TBL's people success too. Most of them seem to keep the weight off, so it must not be all that bad.

In other news...

It's official...Austin has strep throat. Ick.

I'm feeling much better. I packed my lunch and ate it today. I came home and ate chicken breast, rice, and soup. I'm not going to make it to boot camp tonight, since Austin is quarantined for another day. I will do a workout here though. I will pack my lunch again for tomorrow.

p.s. there's a small possibility that my emotional moments could be PMS-related? :)

I Feel ICK!

I don't know what's going on. I have been eating better, and I even exercised yesterday. I feel huge today as if it's TTOM. It might be PMS for all I know. I still have my ovaries, so I could still be experciencing those symptoms. On top of that, I feel like I'm getting sick. I hope that I haven't picked up Austin's sickness...he's still feeling awful.

I finished out Day 2 at work. I brought my lunch and got to eat it today. I also ate my apple. Oh, I did get some soup from a cafe. I'm sure it wasn't too bad. It sure tasted good. For dinner, I finished off the hummus I got on Saturday. That shows that I've been watching my portion sizes.

Ok. I need to get some rest, so that's all I am going to say tonight. I've already packed my lunch for tomorrow :)

Hi Ho, Hi Ho...

This morning started off with a bang as my oldest kid was crying from a terrible headache and sore throat. Me, being the good mom that I am, told him to get out of bed and get his clothes on. I figured I could see just how sick he really was by the time we left. It really was evident by then that he was sick. My husband had a job today, so I decided to take the boy to work with me (how could I miss my first day back). I just wanted to get through all my emails and say hello to everyone. At noon, the boy was sleeping in my spare chair, so I decided to bring him home. He's been pretty much sleeping ever since. Awww...he really is sick :(

I was supposed to have boot camp tonight, but I couldn't really take the sick one to the child center, so here I am still at home. There is good news though. I promise promise promise that I'm going to use my bowflex tonight. I just have to. Getting dressed for work is nothing like wearing sweats every day all day. Let's just say that I wished my clothes were a little looser today, and I got out of them as soon as I walked in the door. Yes, these are my new clothes that I just bought last week. Hey, haven't I been saying that I needed some goal clothes? Well, I've decided to put the first suit back in the closet until I drop a few more lbs. I will try the second one later this week. Either way, tight clothes are a nice reminder of my goals.

My eating was ok today. I didn't go out to lunch with friends. I brought my lunch, although I didn't get to eat it before leaving for the day. I did eat the apple that I packed though. Hmmm...what else? I weighed myself this morning. All that I'll say is that it was 13_ . I fully expect the number to go down after I get a couple of good days under my belt.

Addendum: I did some things on the Bowflex. Then I did 200 crunches and 50 modified pushups while watching Heroes. Better than nothing I suppose.

Weekend Follies

Well, let's see...I had a small party on Friday. I got to meet a whole new crew of great folks, so I consider it a great success. I made tacos and only ate one...on a flour tortilla even. Another success. (My tacos are to die for.) Unfortunately, I might have had too many martinis. Not so good on a couple of levels. Altogether a very fun night though.

Saturday was not such a success. Missed the spinning class...my friend that I was going with also had too many martinis :) We'll do the class next week. Anyways, I woke up and immediately ate a couple of tacos on flour tortillas. I still had a lot of meat leftover, so I made tacos for lunch. I was out of flour tortillas, so I fried up some corn tortillas. This is the killer. I had 3! I'm telling you...they are difficult to resist. Later in the evening, I made the kids dinner, but I just ate a bowl of soup. My husband was supposed to be picking up something for the two of us, but I was getting hungry. By the time he went, I was no longer that hungry. I still ordered something that I knew would still be good today. Hummus with chicken. mmmm... I did eat a little bit, but I wasn't very hungry.

I know that yesterday was not great in any way, but I don't think it was enough to really to do a ton of damage. Pizza would have been worse imo...and that seems to be the usual Saturday fare.

Today, we are going to visit the in-laws. I'm not sure what is in store for us food-wise. I will try to be good. I'm going to eat before we leave (probably some hummus).

Warning: This next paragraph is just random ramblings.

I return to work tomorrow, and this could be good or bad for my eating. Routine is usually a good thing. However, being busier could cause me to make bad choices. I'm hoping that being around my friends every day will not tempt me into going out to lunch. I must bring my lunch and eat it. I will probably just start packing a sandwich when I pack the kids' sandwiches. If I can keep it at my desk, I will be more likely to eat it. Too often I put off going into the kitchen at work to heat up my lunch. Then someone asks if I want to go to Hard Rock, and I say yes almost every time. So weak. If I have my food right there, I will probably eat it when I should and I will not be so weak. I will eat my breakfast bar before leaving for work, so that I'm not tempted by breakfast sandwiches from wherever. Coffee can wait till I get to work I think. If not, I'll start making some before I leave. Dinner is trickier. I think the kids will already be fed when I get home. It's sometimes easier to eat better when I'm just feeding me. It's also easier to stop at fast food when it's just for one person though. I must resist that urge...must must must. Again, it's going to be in the prior planning.

Hope everyone else is doing the weekend better than I am :)

OOPS!

So last night I was all ready to go to boot camp (early even), and I went to get the kids in the van...no keys to be found anywhere. We searched for about an hour, but I finally accepted the fact that my husband probably just took both sets to work on accident (this ended up to be true). So I missed. I'd like to say that I used the bowflex instead, but that would be a lie. I did 10 pushups though :P I was going to do more, but I didn't. Oh well. What's done is done. I am supposed to join a friend tomorrow morning for a spinning class, but I'm having a little party tonight...hope I still make the class.

This next part is for Rebecca...another shopping adventure :)

I'm going back to work on Monday, and I thought I should update my wardrobe a little. The last time I bought business attire was in January or February. I was so excited to be getting mostly all size 12's. I looked a ton thinner in those than I did in my 16's that I was still wearing, despite the 45 lbs gone. I've still been wearing those 12's mixed in with a couple of size 10 pants that I bought a few months ago. Since that last shopping spree, I've lost an additional 20 pounds and who knows how many inches. The 10's that I bought a few months ago get loose by the time I get to work usually, so I decided it was time to get some 8's. I bought 2 size 8 suits and some separates. I didn't go too crazy, because this is not my final resting point.

Everything was 40% - 50% off, so I got it all for $130. Actually, I had to fight for an additional $20 off. They had this coupon in their shoe flyer for $20 off any $100 purchase. The coupon listed what it excluded, but it didn't say it was for shoes specifically. The cashier, who was way nice, kept telling me that it was for shoes only. I asked for a manager, who wasn't available...whatever...I wasn't leaving until I got my $20 off. Finally, after about 10 minutes, the pricing dept (?) said it was good for anything. Ugh. It was just the principle of the matter by that point, but I swear I was about to sue the company :) I must have been in a feisty mood yesterday, because I am so not like that usually.

Ok, back to the shopping stuff...my new suits are a hair snug, but they still look very nice. I'm always amazed at how much thinner I look in clothes that actually fit. When I was looking in the mirror, I realized that I've turned into one of "those" girls at work...the young trendy professionals. I've always been told I look much younger than my age. Now I'm getting the body back.

My next stop was at VS for some seamless intimates :) The girl asked what size I was looking for, so I said probably Large. My remaining weight is mostly in my lower half (genetics). She looked at me and said I probably only needed Medium. I took her advice, and she was absolutely right.

My final stop was Macy's. I got this seamless Flexee's thing, which is supposed to smooth you out. Wow! This makes my suits look even way nicer. I would highly recommend this product to any of the ladies that might be reading this. It is worth every bit of the $25. I think it's very similar to Spanx. The best part of this stop is that I found out I still had $75 left on a gift card from last Christmas :)

The whole point to my story is this: For some reason, I think I have a hard time believing that I am actually a size 8 or a medium. I keep thinking that I'm going to go to the store and find out that they were wrong, and I should have been in 10's or even 12's all along. So far, this hasn't really happened. Don't get me wrong, 8's could still look better on me, but 10's would be too large. It's so weird to go into a store knowing that I am an average size. Rebecca made a comment on a post about how she enjoyed reading about my shopping adventures, probably because of my ability to admire myself. I don't know if I admire myself. I'm just in constant disbelief that it's really me. I think I'm actually just trying to convince myself that I look fine or good even. When I look at it rationally, I look fine...considering the fact that I'm in my 30's and have 4 kids. I'm about the same size I was before I had kids...except there is evidence of past pregnancy that will never go away (stretch marks, extra belly, etc...). I just think that I'll never ever be satisfied, and maybe this is not such a bad thing? Maybe I need that dissatisfaction to keep me pushing forward to get that body that I never thought possible before. I don't know the right answer. Confidence is good, but maybe my confidence is fake...actually insecurity?

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. Maybe you guys of all people will understand though.

I will try to take some pics of me in my new suits later if I think about it.

One last note. I was really irritated when I saw how many cool suits they had at the store for average height people. Being petite is so limiting. I know it's about demand and all that, but I still hate it. I sometimes wish I were taller...even though I don't mind being a shortie for the most part. Maybe now that I'm getting a better shape, I'll get more adventurous and buy suits online. I didn't try on anything yesterday that looked bad on me, so hopefully the same would be true for online orders. It's funny how when I was really fat, I used to get mad at the clothes for looking so awful on me. (I did understand that it was more about me though and not the clothes.)

Sorry for the super long post today :)